Candy!?

Candy, everybody loves candy – right? Remember being a kid, and all you’d ever want is candy. Then you grew up, got an allowance, and you spent that allowance on Double Bubble for five cents apiece. Now you’re old – relatively – and you get one of those old candy cravings again. You go to the variety store, and if you’re lucky they’ll have some form of a bin that has that scrumptious Double Bubble in it. You grab a handful, go to pay, and then you gasp – sorry bud, Double Bubble is five cents apiece nevermore. Your neck clenches, and you try to suppress your rage. You can’t help that telling the stupid 7-Eleven worker that’s he’s a run-down piece who’s going to get nowhere in life – well, that part may have happened to some of you. Anyhow, what you realize is that revisiting the memories of your cheap childhood dreams is next to impossible. Everything has gone up in price – did you know that a sour key now costs twenty-five cents? Not only is it more difficult to revisit your childhood, but some important aspects of it are lost for good. Nothing was like a kick to the butt the day that I discovered that Sodalicious was no longer sold in stores. The sweet precious soda candies shall never again fall on the tongues of children. This can be compared to the loss that Sauron felt when the One Ring was destroyed. Well, at least that is for us who felt the sweet joy of Sodalicious. As for those poor children who never felt its embrace, they are like a paddleboat without the paddles: they will just never know how to swim through life.

                What is the cause of all this outrage? I could blame it on inflation, and how the market only sells what is economically feasible. However, where would that bring me? How could Sodalicious ever drop in the market? It’s like alcohol for children, but without it children resort to increased amounts of alcohol consumption to replace the heavenly candy – or at least I would if I were a child. Now the one thing I have to blame – of which I am too lazy to verify – is the stupid health conscious media. Everything is bad for you: candy, junk food, laziness, fighting, and just about anything else that is fun or tastes good. Sometimes they say food is bad for you, or some exercise is bad for, or they just find some random thing to pick apart and say “it’s bad.” The thing is that I don’t care. I don’t need anyone to tell what is good or bad. I just need one gear: go – well, at least Charlie Sheen does. People don’t want people telling them what is bad. In doing so the media is just making people feel bad and worry about things. I don’t care if what I do is killing me; that is as long as I don’t know that something is killing me. Anyhow, all I want is some Sodalicious. Would it kill me to eat some?